This · is · me · now, · for · better · or · worse

"Stay" by Sugarland

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What so I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

I'm taking 6 classes at NECCO next semester, as well as one over the summer. I think I just work myself to death coz exhaustion is better than the incredible insecurity and self-loathing I feel when I'm alone. I have SO much to be proud of...so why do I always feel like such a screw-up?

Today's fantastic feat...showering with a trash bag on my arm and managing to keep my cast dry! At least, I hope it's dry. The edges don't feel wet or anything. So on to my dream...

So I was on a field trip with my high school. Except it wasn't mine, it was Ryan's. We were going to a fair to see a movie. So I don't remember much about the bus ride. Except we stopped and got food at a food court in a mall. So I couldn't find Ryan anywhere. But I found Mary so I sat with her to eat and a few of her friends. Saw Ryan later coming out of the bathrooms with his ex, but I was pissed so didn't go over to him. So then we get to the fair, and I still can't find Ryan so I follow Mary all over the place, like a puppy dog. Don't see Ryan anywhere. But then the movie starts, and we get to the theater but it's already dark. So I search and search for Ryan, but still can't find him. It's too dark to tell if he's not in the theater, but he's certainly not with the school group. So I'm freaking out, expecting the worst. He's probably with her, there's something going on, oh no oh no. The movie ends after 20 minutes, and I can't find him in the crowd. We get back to the bus, all talking about what a waste a 2 hour bus ride is for a 20 minute movie, and I see him and freak out and start screaming at him.

So that's the end. I woke up never having found out where he was or who he was with. I'm such a freak.

Okay, so most everybody knows I broke my god damn arm. And of course, it had to be my left. Should be no problem, right? Wrong! I'm one of the 10 percent of the population who's a leftie! (Sidenote: I think there's a lot more of us than 10 percent!) So I can't write in my journal. Which saddens me because I love my journal. But it hurts to write. I hope I didn't screw up my wrist more by trying to write last night. So I am going to post in my lj everything I want to remember, and when the cast comes off I'll copy it all into my journal.

So here's what happened. Ryan and I were leaving his house to go to mine for dinner. His driveway was icy. I fell. Ice and me don't mix. At all. So I must have put my arm out to break my fall, and it slipped behind me. Coz my wrist ended up UNDERNEATH my somewhat large ass. Lucky for me I didn't make my arm a pancake. There's a nasty bruise on my ass that looks suspiciously like my watch. Coincidence? I think not.

So we go home, and my mom's not there to tell me what to do. So I call her whining, and miraculously her cell is on! So she comes home, and her and Ryan tell me "It's not too swollen, and if you broke your wrist you wouldn't be able to move anything. It looks like you just sprained it." So I go to bed, gs wake up and Ryan leaves for school, drops me off at work on his way. So I figure I'll just avoid using my left hand. Things actually went well till about 1:30. That's when I had to start lifting stuff. My wrist swelled up and turned a little redder. And it fucking hurt. Pardon my french. So I go find my mommy. Who freaks. Of course. She called my doctors, who told me to come in. We figured I'd be back to work by 3. I told my mom if I wasn't back by 3 to call in Timmy to work for me. So I get to the doctor's, and she looks at it for 30 seconds and sends me to radiology. I get there and there's not too many people. Suddenly, 5 minutes after, the room is full. So I wait 20 minutes, and then get x-rayed by the same guy who x-rayed my knee on Thanksgiving. Nice guy. I must be making him rich. So I go back to my doctor's. And then this women with 2 kids who was also waiting for x-rays comes in to get the results. So the 2 of us wait like, another 20 minutes to a half an hour. Then the doctor gets tired of waiting and actually goes to radiology. Comes back, and tells the woman her son is fine. Calls me in, and starts pokimg me. "Does this hurt? Does this hurt?" I HATE that. It all fucking hurts. So he tells me they found a line that could be a crack, they're not sure but it is where I say I hurt. So I go to the orthopedics. Wait there. Then get to see a doctor. And he asks "Have you been x-rayed?" Oh wait, before that he did a LOT of poking. Far more than my other doctor. Ow ow ow. Oddly enough though, there was a spot on the side of my wrist that didn't hurt at all. Strange. So he goes and searches out my x-rays, and shows them to me. Bones are cool. I guess I fractured my radius, right where it meets up with my wrist bones. The radius is one of the bones in the lower arm, fyi. So I guess that's why I could move everything. So I get sent for a cast. Turns out the guy who put it on has a daughter my age, who was in my third grade class. Small world. I got to pick the color! It's a pretty light blue. I've never had a cast before, I didn't know people get to pick. Oh, btw, it's very uncomfortable. I am not enjoying this. And I have to shower with a bag over it.

The whole point of posting was coz of a dream I had last night that I wanted to remember. But my arm is killing me. So I think I'll post my dream later. Hope I don't forget it by then.

Pretty nice though, hardly any typos. =-)

I have an exam in a half an hour, and then this semester is totally over. I can't wait. It's weird though...no papers, no presentations, no more exams, no homework, no reading, no nothing. For a whole month. What am I going to do with myself?

Can't wait till I get my grades back, I hope I did well this semester. I really hope I made Dean's List. I think I did though...statistics was the one class I was really worried about and my teacher said I got at least a B. So that's excellent. Then Shakespeare, and all my other classes I'm pretty sure I have an A.

Alright, enough about school. I think I'm getting sick. Like, really sick. It's something I've had before, and it's not fun. If it gets any worse I'm going to have to go to the doctor's, but they won't be open this weekend. So that's a LOT of pain and suffering I'm going to have to go through. Ick. Hopefully I am wrong, but it feels the same.

Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review"

January
So since last I have posted, I think coz I'm not sure when my last post was, has been fun.

February
Happiness is me right now! Why? Because Ryan is absolutely gorgeous and because we have cheese and bread, the essential elements of a grilled cheese sandwich.

March
Snow days are awesome. Even after you graduate high school they don't lose their excitement.

April
I am happy, as I can keep a secret. Well, so far I can.

May
Fuck you.

June
It seems so dumb that people like, fight on their livejournals and myspaces...I'm guilty of it (twice!) but still.

July
[[NAME:]]Gillian

August
Everyone's leaving now. I feel weird, coz I'm going to be staying at home.

September
So I'm really bored. It's sad that if I'm not working I don't know what to do with myself.

October
Put an X by the movies you've seen.
If you get more than 70, you're a movie whore.

November
So I hate guys.

December
Haven't posted any entries till this one.

Please go try my music trivia! http://blog.myspace.com/12442374. Email me the answers, gbbd57@yahoo.com. Or, if you have myspace, send them as a message. Thank you guys!

10 things that bring me joy...
1. Cuddling with Ryan
2. SEEING FRIENDS!!!
3. Reading good books
4. Listening to good music
5. Discovering new books/music
6. Baking
7. Cooking
8. Saving money
9. Getting good grades and being proud of myself
10. Shopping

I tag...(don't know many people with this so bear with me...)
blurcoffeetv
dlusionalmnkeyz
monkeysflyatnoo

So I'm really bored. It's sad that if I'm not working I don't know what to do with myself. I'm on the phone with Amanda, she's in Springfield. I was SO tempted to drive to Keene today, just for the evening. But then I would have ended up staying all night, and going to work tomorrow would have been near impossible. So I got some cleaning done, that was good. Laundry and dishes, woohoo.

Oh! I found Ryan's sweatshirt today! I've been looking for it! So that was good. And a nice jacket I forgot I had, so I won't have to buy one or anything. I also found a sweater which is good coz I'm always cold.

I put some money in my apartment account today. Bringing me up to a total of $913. That's like, a month's rent. But I still have a few years to go before I can move out, so hopefully I will be able to save up enough by then for it to not be impossible. I need to work more, also. I am definitely setting my schedule up next semester so that I can work full-time and go to school. This semester is sucking money-wise. of course my $360 speeding ticket made that happen. I have been SO much better about my speed since then. So I guess it at least taught me a lesson. Hope that lesson lasts a while. Can't afford another ticket. Can't even afford school right now. Well, I can, but barely.

Alright, enough about money. Financially, I am all set. Just can't afford The OC Season 2. It's breaking my heart, really. It's been out since August! And tomorrow will be October. That's like, 2 months.

Speaking of October, Ryan's birthday is in two weeks. I am going to get his present tomorrow night, I hope. Reminder to me: Don't leave the money I have saved up at home when I go to get it. Hehe, did that last time. =-)

Last thing: Anyone have any ideas on what's a thoughtful, romantic gift for a second anniversary?

Everyone's leaving now. I feel weird, coz I'm going to be staying at home. Lexi left for London today. That shocks me. Jess has an apartment. She's not living in a dorm. She has an apartment. That is, to me, like this whole other leap into the real world. Here's my plan: college, apartment, career, family. Jess, while still in college, has moved to the next step, making her one step closer to the real world and leaving me farther behind. I guess that's the bad thing about NECCO...I honestly don't feel much different than high school. But I didn't in Bridgewater either, so at least here I am happier. And I have Amanda, I am not totally alone.

Ryan left today. That was awful. Actually, it wasn't. I think tomorrow it will be worse. It was pretty bad, but I feel it's going to get worse before it gets better. He called tonight though, and it was so good to hear his voice. He sounded like him. I don't know what I was expecting...maybe I was afraid his voice would sound different. It made me feel a lot better that he sounded like Ryan. Like for some reason as long as he sounds the same he is the same. I'm so weird.

To deal with my loneliness today, I cleaned. Quite a bit actually. I unpacked some boxes from Bridgewater. So weird that I never unpacked when I got back. Found so much stuff I forgot I had. I got rid of nearly all the BSC stuff. There's not a whole lot from that place that I care enough about to remember. A few people, that's about it.

But anyway. My room looks better. Not a ton better, but it's a beginning. Now I must keep up this momentum. Being alone and with nothing to do is awful though. Too sad. Maybe this will motivate me to really finish my room. I am even considering opening my closet. Which is full of boxes I packed when we moved here and haven't opened since. And we moved here almost three and a half years ago.

So I'm going to bed, sleeping alone for the first time in nearly two weeks.

1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. I'll tell you what item of clothing I'd love to steal from your closet.
4. I will name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. I will tell you what animal I believe you evolved from.
8. Put this in your journal.

So I am talking to Amanda. And she has been having a rough few days. And where have I been? Working, or with Ryan, and not returning her phone calls after work. She's always been there for me. Why do I fuck up everything good that I have?